About 50% of the time, I am a happy person. Half of the time I'm laughing about something stupid and joking around with my castmates/coworkers/friends, but even then I suffer from the problem of not being able to shut my mind off.
All through elementary school I was bullied for being shy, having a giant gap in my teeth, being overweight, or too smart. Not physically bullied, but verbally. It finally ended for a good two years during junior high, which was good because honestly, Junior High is where you really figure out who you are/want to be. I know for some people, those two years personally sucked and I although for me there were some ups and downs, I'm grateful for being able to have a good group of friends to be with during that time.
But then ninth grade came around and I had to deal with something so painful (for an innocent fourteen year old) that I'm amazed I'm still here today. The first friend that I made when I moved here not only decided to betray me and accuse me of being several rude things, but cyber bully me. She wasn't alone either, oh no, she had her "best friend" that she tried to set me up with (who I actually had feelings for) join in on the fun. It was a knock down that would continue to hit me in the ribs for years.
From freshman year on, I have dealt with serious depression and anxiety. To any of the readers out there suffering from the same thing, I feel for you. Unfortunately I can't give great advice on it either, because it's uniquely painful.
Because while some people only deal with sad thoughts during the late hours of the night, we deal with them twenty four seven. It hurts even more when your parents decide to dog on you, or when you get a bad grade on a paper. It's tough walking past the kitchens knives when doing dishes because there's that dark voice in the back of your head tempting you. There's that constant reminder that your friends only tolerate you, and that they'll eventually betray you too.
And you can't help but wonder why anyone bothers wasting their time on you.
This is when I would instruct you to take the remote that controls your brain and to hit the mute button. It's tough, yes, but you have to somehow accomplish it. Why? Because if you don't then not only are you going to continue walking down this dark path by yourelf, but you're also going to continue blowing out any candle in sight.
You've got to believe that your friends are there for a reason. If you don't trust in them, then how do you ever expect to lead n how to trust yourself?
You've got to realize that criticism is just someone else's opinion, not an actual fact. Whatever someone says to you, just know that there are probably tens of people out there who think otherwise. You've got a big support system, so why let it be broken down by a single blow?
But most importantly, you've got to keep the candle glowing. You're not expected to walk this road alone, so don't. Call a lifeline and don't be afraid to reach out to the light (this is the one time you'll probably hear me say that).
Let's make a deal, this next week we focus on the positive outcomes of what our days bring. If you can try being completely positive for one week, then so can I.
-MiMi out.
Wow Mimi, I'm sorry you had to go through that but thank you for sharing your story. Nobody's life is all rainbows and butterflies. Some people have it worse than others and you can't always tell who is struggling. I admire your courage to keep moving forward. You're beautiful girl and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :)
ReplyDeleteOh no, don't be sorry, I'm actually grateful for what happened. If that never happened to me, then I would be just as innocent and vulnerable as I was back then. I would never know how to stand up for myself. The point of this post is to let anyone going through something rough that they are not alone. Yeah, I do get genuinely depressed quite a bit, but I'm working on managing it. Life is rough, but life is also beautiful. You are indeed a gorgeous gal and I thank you for reading and commenting :) we don't know who all suffers from this stuff until they speak up, you're right. But I know for sure that I'm tired of trying to hide it all the time. If I'm going to try and manage it (hopefully get rid of it) then I can't hide it in a shoebox and put it on a shelf anymore.
Delete-MiMi
Well I'm glad that the experience made you stronger. This post inspired me to write an honest blog post about my own struggle. Everyone has a story to tell and when we hear those stories it helps us know that we're not alone.
DeleteI know how you feel dear! Not exactly the same, obviously, since you're right in each person's pain being unique. But I agree that keeping the candle glowing is important and that yes, you're friends are here for a reason; they love you. Keep your chin up, talk to a doctor about taking meds if you feel you might need to, and don't be afraid to talk to your friends about how you're feeling, even if it's bad. If there you're true friends, they will listen and love you and do their best to help you.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon, Mimi!
With Love,
Florence
I think as long as you know you have a good support system, then you're going to be fine. I know that I can talk to every single one of my friends, and even my parents know about it. As a nurse, my mom is strictly against medicine that won't do anything for me, so we're down to finding ways to calm it down. Like you said in your last post, journaling is very helpful and I tend to keep an open tab on my notes in my phone, but painting helps a lot as well. The most important thing (and difficult) is to counter every negative thought with something positive, because I know for myself I am my worst critic. But each one of my friends are wonderfully unique in the fact that they all give great advice and hugs when needed. It's the bee's knees. :)
Delete-MiMi